At least 2 years ago she was asking regularly when we would let her do so. And she starts secondary school in September, we all need to get used to her growing independence.
She's been walking home by herself for some time - but that seems quite different, without the attendant lurking fears about whether or not she's arrived at her destination, would we know if she hadn't, what might happen between here and there? If we're not there.
School is only a couple of minutes around the corner, and the street is always full and noisy with other children and adults going the same way, neighbours, friends, acquaintances, laughing, waving, saying hello. A couple of not-very-busy roads to cross, she's careful, its a relatively safe friendly reassuring context for these new experiences in separation.
I am ready to let this go - one more stage towards independence, loosening the apron strings.
But...
Despite repeated episodes when LG has demanded her freedom - vociferously, belligerently, indignantly - freedom not just to go there, do this or that, but existential freedom - freedom to see where that road leads, to follow an impulse, to determine her own fate -
Despite the times when she's demanded angrily that I let her get the bus back from Woolwich at 9.00 pm in the dark, let her make her own way from Liverpool Street to London Bridge on a busy commuter Friday afternoon (as if!) (the certainty of my denial maybe making her demands feel safer, freedom desired in abstract)
Despite all this - she'd sooner I still came to school with her, if I would.
She'd sooner I walked with her down the hill.
(She's glad when I do, forgetting...she doesn't remind me till we're at the bottom.)
Not to hold her hand, no lingering kisses or hugs goodbye ("Don't embarrass me, Mum!")
but just being there.
Just for a few more days/weeks.
Just to wave and watch her go through the door.
I take her half-way at the moment, just around the corner, then turn and come home. It'll be so much harder to say goodbye at our own front step, and then to come back inside. Shut the door.
She feels the conflict in herself, I can see it in her eyes, the struggle between the urge for independence, the instinct for freedom, the desire not to grow up, to remain so close, dependent, safe.
She's so aware of the transition -
it tugs at the heart-strings
- "Okay, I won't keep turning round to wave because... because... you know..."
Dillos No.16 (note thats not 16 & 17) (not just yet):
10 comments:
I thought you said I would laugh Lettuce! I'm bloody crying again (feck).
Just how many dillos to come? I liked yesterdays. But number 2 is still my favourite!!
Well, only that you would laugh in light of what I said to you this morning, about me and LG bickering last night!
sorry....
:o(
Still quite a few dillos to come.....
Beautifully written Lettuce. Sums up the horrible, horrible feeling when you have to say goodbye. One of the worst feelings in the world. I used to have to take my sister to school when I was LG's age and I even got it myself, wondering if she would be alright, so, yes, I think you're right about kids being aware of that 'tug'. I hate goodbyes. Even if it is for a short time. I suppose you have to think of the joy you will feel as she gains her independence.
PS - those dillos are really cute.
It is a hard transition for all. That child/woman time. I mourned for my little girl that I 'lost' when, at the age of 11, she seemed to no longer need me. It was a tough period but it came back around and now at nearly 16 she still is the little girl just more independant.
Lovely words Lettuce and I can see it all in my head. I'm brutal me, just dropped them off at the shop (Floss and Bert, not pink and Titch!) and told them "not waiting, walk home you lazy good for nothing tikes!".... tough love me :-) But, but I know what you mean.... Floss is pulling away big time, she often goes out to visit her neighbour friends, cinema, when it comes they're ready, normally sensible enough etc.. although what's this about the train????
So loving your dildo a day collection :-) hark the door, here they are..
That was a lovely piece of writing. I remember nagging my mother to let me go to the shops by myself and then turning back after 5 mins because it didn't feel right going on my own.
Thank you for your help with the counter. Very much appreciated.
Made the mistake of revisiting your blog. I'm crying AGAIN! It's a wonderful piece of writing Lettuce. And what with my own Little Gem being away. It's hard, letting them go.....
Lettuce - I have obvioulst missed an episode but what's all this with those Dillos ??
Are you a big time collector, or is there some hidden meaning.
That's really lovely. I think you should just hold on for now. She'll not want you going with her after a week or two at secondary school. Make the most of it.
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