Management-speak

Here are a couple of things I was emailed recently, which made me laugh.

The first is pertinent, as we approach the busiest time in the academic year for the writing of references.
The second can probably be applied in almost any arena, if you just substitute the right terms and titles.


Performance reviews / References:
What those words REALLY mean

1. OUTGOING PERSONALITY - Always going out of the office
2. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS - Able to bullshit
3. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Spends a lot of time on the phone
4. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY - Too ugly to get a date
5. SOCIALLY ACTIVE - Drinks a lot
6. INDEPENDENT WORKER - Nobody knows what he/she does
7. QUICK THINKING - Offers plausible excuses
8. CAREFUL THINKER - Won't make a decision
9. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS - Gets someone else to do it
10. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL - Speaks English
11. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL - A nit picker
12. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT - Is tall or has a loud voice
14. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
15. CAREER MINDED - Back stabber
16. LOYAL - Can't get a job anywhere else
17. PLANS FOR PROMOTION/ADVANCEMENT - Buys drinks for all the boys
18. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANISATION - Gets to work on time
19. RELAXED ATTITUDE - Sleeps at desk.


How Decisions Are Made In The Corporate Environment:

In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan was completely without substance
And darkness was upon the face of the PO'S
And they spoke, amongst themselves, saying
‘It's a crock of shit and it stinks.'
And the POs went unto their CHIEFS, saying "It is a pail of dung and none may abide by the odour thereof.'
And the CHIEFS went unto their 1st LIEUTENANT, saying "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may abide by it.'
And the 1st LIEUTENANT went unto their COMMANDING OFFICERS saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength.'
And the COMMANDING OFFICER went unto the ASSISTANT DISTRICT OFFICERS, saying "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.'
And the ASSISTANT DISTRICT OFFICER went unto the DISTRICT OFFICER, saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful.'
And the DISTRICT OFFICER went unto the AREA HEADQUARTERS, saying "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organisation and these areas in particular.''
And the AREA HEADQUARTERS looked upon the plan and saw that it was good and the plan became policy.
THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS.