splurge

I am in such a strange frame of mind/heart at the moment, and need to get it out of my system.

So be warned, random splurginess will follow. I was just going to write that maybe I wont even post this - but then I realised that I know I will. haha. Self-knowledge is a great thing sometimes. But feel free to leave now, or skip to the end.

I find I'm veering at the moment between episodes of total limpness, teary close-to-the-edgeness, numb vegetativeness and a kind of febrile restlessness. This morning fortunately I had parcels to post (eBaying again, money for old tat). (sorry Tat.) - which got me out of the house into the freshLondon air. There was a danger of me sitting at this screen all day, which I don't think would have helped much.

On the way back from the Post Office, I bumped randomly into my original textiles tutor, with whom I learned to spin and weave. Coffee and a good chat was just what I needed. People are my refuge at the moment. Especially people who are pleased to see me, who want to be with me. I guess we all need to be wanted.

We shared current textile passions (a new way to cut plastic bags into long strips for crotchet/weaving - yay!) (some of you will know how pleased I am about this useful technique) (no, really).
I went to the local Co-op - re-furbished yet again, but still the Co-op from hell. But good offers on red wine, which is the main thing.

Walking home, I was tempted to walk on past my house, and just keep walking - because at times I feel the need to keep moving. But I'm home alone for a while, which is also good sometimes. Sometimes I need to make myself sit. Sometimes I need to make myself get up. Mostly I'm not sure what I need really.

I have plenty of work I should be getting on with. Essays to mark. Book-ordering for the university library. If I don't spend the money soon, we will lose it. But it will take time and effort. Maybe i should just pick 5 good books and order 10 copies of each? that would do it. Its a pretty paltry budget. Maybe I should spend it all ordering Terry Pratchett? and Buffy and science fiction DVDs. Good plan.

I should be writing an article due at the end of April. I had some good ideas about that in bed last night, but didn't write them down before going to sleep.... maybe they are still kicking around in my head somewhere. I don't feel I can be arsed to find out just now ....

I should be going through our bank statements and doing some accounting. I've been in the process - since October - of rearranging our finances- basically to separate our spending powers. M and I have totally incompatible spending habits and need to go our own ways financially as much as possible. But the accounts never stand still, do they? there is always catching up to do....

But my mind just veers away from the thought of work at the moment. It seems to have a mind of its own. My mind, that is, not the work. (I wish. Maybe then it could just sort itself out?) Thinking about work makes me feel grey and stretched taut and I seem to have lost my ability to concentrate and apply myself.

I've always thought of holidays as holiday from work. I think I need a holiday from life.

And being with friends feels like holiday.

We had the lovely Dizzy staying for nearly a week last week. She brought not one but two duty-free bottles of gin (what an excellent friend!), spent a whole day gardening with me (my passion for gardening at least has finally woken up for the Spring), talked, shopped, lunched with me, thankyou so much Dizzy it was lovely having you here.

Tomorrow RW arrives with her girls for a couple of days including - we hope - the Renoir landscapes exhibition in London. And much quaffing I hope. More holiday.

And Saturday back down to mum and dad again for the Easter weekend.
On Sunday Mum was the worst she's yet been - physically incapable, almost unable to walk or stand, not with us at all in spirit, or able to communicate - but clearly, wherever she was, confused and scared. It really seemed as though our time was up. That night I took the night shift and although she slept better than we'd expected, it didn't feel as though I slept much.

Monday morning she was back with us again - lucid, bright, able to get about a bit, awake all morning. Monday night she slept for at least 8 hours without waking, which was unbelievable, amazing, wonderful. I slept too, dreaming of being left and of haircuts (I badly need one) and of oversleeping past LG's school-start time - but sleeping, at least.

Tuesday mum was better than she's been for a long while, she even managed a little walk in the garden and to write some Easter cards. She worries about not being able to send cards and notes in response to every card, letter, bunch of flowers and was so delighted with this huge achievement. It was a delight and a heart break, her writing is so slow and shaky now. If she feels this good during the week, they might even go out to visit friends.

There is absolutely no option other than taking things one day, sometimes one hour at a time.

And then home again home again, jiggety jig.

This weekend was the first time I've felt scared about mum dying. I've felt pain, anguish, heart-ache, wretchedness, distress, panic, misery. But not scared. Strange, eh?
But now - we have hopes of a good Easter weekend, and possibly even an all-family get together while some of the nieces/nephews are home from University.

But before that - holiday time with RW. Yippee.


I think I'd better stop now, this is far too long (but has at least given me the chance to practice this, thankyou mr farty for the additional blog-pimping advice)
and well done if you've stayed with me this far.

As a reward for getting (or at least skipping) to the end, theres this bit of film for you. Mind you, you need to stick with this to the end too. Just bear with me.



Currently untitled. I'm hoping some of you can suggest good titles. I had a couple of ideas but they were a bit feeble.

(heehee, just practising)

Off to watch some Desperate Housewives now ....