Wednesday, April 04, 2007


I am in such a strange frame of mind/heart at the moment, and need to get it out of my system.

So be warned, random splurginess will follow. I was just going to write that maybe I wont even post this - but then I realised that I know I will. haha. Self-knowledge is a great thing sometimes. But feel free to leave now, or skip to the end.

I find I'm veering at the moment between episodes of total limpness, teary close-to-the-edgeness, numb vegetativeness and a kind of febrile restlessness. This morning fortunately I had parcels to post (eBaying again, money for old tat). (sorry Tat.) - which got me out of the house into the freshLondon air. There was a danger of me sitting at this screen all day, which I don't think would have helped much.

On the way back from the Post Office, I bumped randomly into my original textiles tutor, with whom I learned to spin and weave. Coffee and a good chat was just what I needed. People are my refuge at the moment. Especially people who are pleased to see me, who want to be with me. I guess we all need to be wanted.

We shared current textile passions (a new way to cut plastic bags into long strips for crotchet/weaving - yay!) (some of you will know how pleased I am about this useful technique) (no, really).
I went to the local Co-op - re-furbished yet again, but still the Co-op from hell. But good offers on red wine, which is the main thing.

Walking home, I was tempted to walk on past my house, and just keep walking - because at times I feel the need to keep moving. But I'm home alone for a while, which is also good sometimes. Sometimes I need to make myself sit. Sometimes I need to make myself get up. Mostly I'm not sure what I need really.

I have plenty of work I should be getting on with. Essays to mark. Book-ordering for the university library. If I don't spend the money soon, we will lose it. But it will take time and effort. Maybe i should just pick 5 good books and order 10 copies of each? that would do it. Its a pretty paltry budget. Maybe I should spend it all ordering Terry Pratchett? and Buffy and science fiction DVDs. Good plan.

I should be writing an article due at the end of April. I had some good ideas about that in bed last night, but didn't write them down before going to sleep.... maybe they are still kicking around in my head somewhere. I don't feel I can be arsed to find out just now ....

I should be going through our bank statements and doing some accounting. I've been in the process - since October - of rearranging our finances- basically to separate our spending powers. M and I have totally incompatible spending habits and need to go our own ways financially as much as possible. But the accounts never stand still, do they? there is always catching up to do....

But my mind just veers away from the thought of work at the moment. It seems to have a mind of its own. My mind, that is, not the work. (I wish. Maybe then it could just sort itself out?) Thinking about work makes me feel grey and stretched taut and I seem to have lost my ability to concentrate and apply myself.

I've always thought of holidays as holiday from work. I think I need a holiday from life.

And being with friends feels like holiday.

We had the lovely Dizzy staying for nearly a week last week. She brought not one but two duty-free bottles of gin (what an excellent friend!), spent a whole day gardening with me (my passion for gardening at least has finally woken up for the Spring), talked, shopped, lunched with me, thankyou so much Dizzy it was lovely having you here.

Tomorrow RW arrives with her girls for a couple of days including - we hope - the Renoir landscapes exhibition in London. And much quaffing I hope. More holiday.

And Saturday back down to mum and dad again for the Easter weekend.
On Sunday Mum was the worst she's yet been - physically incapable, almost unable to walk or stand, not with us at all in spirit, or able to communicate - but clearly, wherever she was, confused and scared. It really seemed as though our time was up. That night I took the night shift and although she slept better than we'd expected, it didn't feel as though I slept much.

Monday morning she was back with us again - lucid, bright, able to get about a bit, awake all morning. Monday night she slept for at least 8 hours without waking, which was unbelievable, amazing, wonderful. I slept too, dreaming of being left and of haircuts (I badly need one) and of oversleeping past LG's school-start time - but sleeping, at least.

Tuesday mum was better than she's been for a long while, she even managed a little walk in the garden and to write some Easter cards. She worries about not being able to send cards and notes in response to every card, letter, bunch of flowers and was so delighted with this huge achievement. It was a delight and a heart break, her writing is so slow and shaky now. If she feels this good during the week, they might even go out to visit friends.

There is absolutely no option other than taking things one day, sometimes one hour at a time.

And then home again home again, jiggety jig.

This weekend was the first time I've felt scared about mum dying. I've felt pain, anguish, heart-ache, wretchedness, distress, panic, misery. But not scared. Strange, eh?
But now - we have hopes of a good Easter weekend, and possibly even an all-family get together while some of the nieces/nephews are home from University.

But before that - holiday time with RW. Yippee.

I think I'd better stop now, this is far too long (but has at least given me the chance to practice this, thankyou mr farty for the additional blog-pimping advice)
and well done if you've stayed with me this far.

As a reward for getting (or at least skipping) to the end, theres this bit of film for you. Mind you, you need to stick with this to the end too. Just bear with me.

Currently untitled. I'm hoping some of you can suggest good titles. I had a couple of ideas but they were a bit feeble.

(heehee, just practising)

Off to watch some Desperate Housewives now ....


Reya Mellicker said...

I LOVE your Tube films! I've felt so much like that little cup lately, rolling around with nowhere to go - pretty, rhythmic and pointless, or at least that's how I've felt.

Sounds like you are 'inbetween' at the moment, dear Lettuce. How I wish you and I could go sit somewhere, talk all day long, drink a little bit too much red wine from the co-op from hell. (Why is it that all co-ops are from hell?)

At loose ends, yet restless, is exactly how I feel in the spring, every single year of my life. Don't be so harsh on yourself, if possible, OK? Sending you lots of energy and love.

ramblingwoman said...

Shouldn't you have been on that train Lettie? Did you miss your train so you could watch a Costa coffee cup roll about? Not that I'm complaining - I enjoyed that!

I don't have a title for your film although I think it's very poignant.

After reading your blog I feel even more sorry that I'm not coming down today now instead of tomorrow. Looking forward to the gin! Got some lemons?

Chin up Letty, we'll do lots and lots of displacement activities like garden centres, TK Maxx and London and I'll whitter(sp?) on about nothing as usual! Oh yes and watching my auctions end on ebay! (hahah, bet you can't wait)

Looking forward to seeing you Lettie. xxxxx

(now get those books ordered and then you can tick it off your list)

ramblingwoman said...

oh btw - side bar slippage

martin said...

I find it's sometimes to get a hook on life and make stuff happen. It's like being a spectator, watching it all go by. It's just like when you leave your computer and it sleeps, no damage is done it's just resting. And it fires up and is as good as new. Perhaps you just need some new software ?.
If you have to buy a book get : False self The Life of Masud Khan, a biography of a great analyst in the sixties, just order five of those. A wonderful read.
Anyway be happy, theres nothing as sad as a wilting lettuce.

tut-tut said...

It sounds like you've got some great friends!

I didn' know you spin and weave. I"ve got a loom that's been sitting un warped for many years now.

I liked that little blogging trick; you'll have to let me in on how to do it.

Akelamalu said...

Thank God for good friends eh?!

How you watching Desperate Housewives - it's not on until 10pm?

Wendz said...

Gin coming up then...lots of.

You know something - your photos and vids get better and better - i am loving this new creative outlet of yours.

Mr Farty said...

Get lots of Pratchett books. Oh, God, someone got me one for Xmas and I still haven't read it. Eek!

I wrote a long, rambling blog and then didn't post it. Maybe later, but not yet. But I'm glad you posted this, it lets us know how you're feeling. Glad too, that you've got friends to share it with.


Jay said...

Oh sweetie, big hugs.
No wonder you're feeling a bit paralyzed of late - that's enough stress to disable anyone.

Pod said...

my dear

please call fiona! help is at hand. i too wish i were there for a linked arm stroll and long long chat. you know you are not alone. so much to say, but a big comforting pod cuddle (a puddle? or a pug? or a poddle? or a pog?) will say more than that.

i would call the brilliant film 'i am still clapping' which is what the little girl says during it i think, unless i heard wrong. i would still call it that though coz it fits in many ways. loved the film.

will email soon, promise (but sounds like you will be too drunk to focus...)

have fun with the rambler. give her a squeeze from me!


Cream said...

Splurging is good!
Walking is hard on the souls...
Cups can be half-full or half-empty.

See, I'm not funny all the time, Lettie...

Steve said...

Lettuce: What a fascinating post! Really! I love these stream-of-consciousness essays that just empty out the brain and put it all on the table. (So to speak.) I'm glad you have your blog as an outlet, and all your dedicated readers, who will pat you on the back and support you as much as possible given the physical distance.

I thought it was interesting that you wanted to keep walking but didn't. Perhaps you should just follow your instincts and do what your body commands - walk a little further, until you've worked out some of that excess tension. (Not so far that you walk AWAY, of course...:) )

LOVED the video. I knew that cup was going to get it in the end.

Calamity Tat said...

RW makes me laugh so much 'and I'll whitter(sp?) on about nothing as usual!' hahaha oh and slippery sidebar! hahaha... was in Olga? how is she? and never get rid of your old Tat.. even if you did I would still hang around whittering on about nothing ;-)

lettuce said...

Oh you do all make me smile.


Reya, yes, in-between is a good capture of how I feel. Maybe we'll get to do the walking talking drinking thing one day.

Luce - no, I was waiting for a train out of London not into. Facing platform 6 but waiting for platform 5. Maybe thats my problem...... ??

(is my sidebar back now?)

thanks Martin, I'll look out for that book. Feeling a bit happier now.

I'll come back later and leave details on the comment trick thing, Tut-Tut. And go get something on that loom!!!!!

Akelamalu - i had 2 weeks worth taped to catch up on! Felt quite exhausted after 2 hours of it.

Wendz, thanks, I'm loving it too! I wasn't hinting about the gin. Really. Not that I'd turn it/you away.

oh which Pratchett, mr farty? I've just finished Thud. Haven't got the latest one. Yet.

Thanks for the hugs Jay. Yes, I guess so.

Pod, I wish too. "I'm still clapping", thats great!

Cream, I think this one was all empty. Oh no, come back funny Cream!

Steve - it kind of surprised me that you said it was fascinating. But I find it fascinating reading other peoples' splurginess, so....
Maybe you're right about the walking. Theres a Carol Shields (I think, could be Ann Tyler) novel about a woman who does that, on a beach, away from her family.....

Olga seemed good, Tat. Asked after you. Glad to hear you are hanging around. whitter whitter. is it still slipping? pics might be tooooo big.

Donna said...

Oh sweetie you do sound sad. I'm so glad you have some good friends at hand. They are just the tonic you need right now (and the gin!). I hope you have a lovely time with RW. Oh and your sidebar is fne with me. x

PG said...

you know, sometimes one's brain/body/soul just has to take a break. As if it says, 'nope, I'm tired, I can't be ar..d anymore'. Maybe you do need to take it easy, and try not to feel guilty about all those things which 'need' doing. Have a lovely Easter weekend, the weather's going to be fab. Get some sun on your face.

Joyce said...

Sounds like your body is asking for the empty spaces to let all the feelings and unknowns just wash over you. The focussed energy can come later.

Bird said...

i watched the video totaly transfixed - gripped.

makes me want to write poetry.

the whole video composition is a visual poem.

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